I don't think the Good Lord sits up there, going, "Oh, well, okay, look at those crazy people. They've bred red heifers, they're rebuilding the Temple Mount, the Arabs are jumping all over Israel... I guess it's time for me send my son again..."

I don't think we get to force God's hand. I think that God doesn't show up when we want him to, but he is ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME.

You've heard of, maybe experienced, The Freshman Fifteen.

Here, at The Scooter Store, we used to have a little thing called The Scooter Store Fifteen, what with all of our Friday Potlucks and parties and celebrations and baby showers. Now, it has ballooned to a Scooter Twenty, because we're all so happy. In my experience, my first year here, I got married. I gained a Scooter Thirty. I'm not kidding. I'm finally back in my college jeans. I talked to a lady just now who gained a Scooter Fifty. It's gotta be the potlucks.

We need an on-site gym and dietician.

Perhaps it is the LIVE NEKKID ATOP THE MEMORIAL UNION STUDENT SENATE UPDATE GIRL so totally engrained into my spirit, but when people freak out and chaos abounds, and I don't really feel like it needs to be that way, and I just know that someone should be bringing balance to The Force, I can't help but sit back and press the record button in my mind.

This morning, Lucky was playing in the yard. She was having a good time, and didn't want to go in yet, despite the fact that Science Diet and ice water awaited her. She was running around with her new friend and was not listening to Daddy when he'd call her from the patio. So Mommy tried. And Mommy noticed that Lucky's new friend was ...

...of the long, snakey sort.

So Daddy lumbered over with a shovel and murdered the new friend, right there in the Texas sunrise, in cold blood. He scooped up the body and tossed it over the fence, into the great field beyond. In her grief, Lucky agreed to come in the darn house and sit quietly for a treat, while she was acclaimed Huntress of the Yard. I don't know if it's a good idea to expose children to such violence.

Don't you hate when your parents kill off the important ones in your life?

METH HOSP is going to get a strongly-worded letter from me, regarding my summer of errors with them. If the company at which I work treated customers like that, we would have none.

So today, one hour after my appointed fMRI time, I was again told that the 3-Tesla magnet (WHAT???) was malfunctioning and an engineer would need to be called in. Calmly, I attempted to reschedule with the desk staff while poor Erik -who has to take a day off work every time and drive me everywhere I go - pumped the air with his fists, stepped out into the hallway and banged his head against the wall.

Then, as if a choir of angels sang, the DOOR IMMEDIATELY ACROSS THE HALL OPENED, light poured forth, and OUT STEPPED DR. BOGAEV!!! Can you believe this? Of all the doors in that great big hospital, he happens to be inside THAT one!! He does kind of look like an angel in his white surgical garb. The sight of him cheered Erik up to the Happy Place immediately, because that is what Dr. B. does for ya, and he stepped into the Radiology registration, where the tech and desk staff were simultaneously going over with me the MRI wires that malfunctioned AND the available appointments.

A quick hug and, "I'm sorry, I know you're mad," later, and he headed back to surgery as I mentioned that we would see him in a couple weeks. I don't know if it was the mere vision of Dr. B., or what, but promptly, from the other side of the counter, the MRI tech is all, "Hey, if you wanna stick around, we could try to fit you in later this afternoon...?"

So, in short, it got done.

"A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: Dream Child" is on. I'm not to watch Freddie Krueger movies alone. I am not supposed watch any frightening movies alone. The dog is zonked out on the floor in front of me. I have that fMRI today, and I am so tired. This was the plan, for me to be tired, not jittery, for this test, but you CANNOT go to sleep when Freddie Krueger's in the room.

Then, I got bored, obviously. I began channel surfing, and came across Titanic, on the Spanish HBO. If there's anything that will put me to sleep...

I promise I'll never let go, Jack... I'd better get back to cleaning the kitchen and just listen to the 90s channel instead.

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets..."

...and I'm seriously beginning to realize that it all depends on how well you react.